At risk of sounding redundant (or making it my mantra) the study abroad people forgot one thing:
I am Cuban.
I do not 'pack light'. We arrive with boatloads of stuff, we leave with boatloads more.
This has had me struggling for the past two days.
I'll look at my suitcase, which is a little more than half my height (not that I'm that massive at a whopping 5'1) and I'll think
"Damnit! That's too much."
I'll begin removing things (question: who needs 7 pairs of jeans?) then I'll think
"I'm going to be there six months!" (answer: I do!)
I am bringing too much and not enough.
And let's not neglect to mention my Cuban grandmother who is like a Spanish speaking second person in my brain "Of COURSE you'll need that! Don't take that out! It'll all fit! Can you take this as your carry on? Will this go on your carry on? Are you taking this as your carry on?"
And my answer to her is often, "Yo no se". I don't know what I'm bringing and what I'm not. I'm not sure if I'll need my running shoes, an extra towel, my face cleanser. I am flummoxed.
Another thing (I'm not proud of) is that I'm a stress eater.
And I am immensely stressed.
My bonus Mom BZ made me the most delicious (no hyperbole) cake I have ever tasted for my going away party a few nights ago.
The frosting, the cake, the layer of ice cream, the layer of fudge....
Needless to say, I have been stuffing my face for the past couple of days.
I've been having my 'lasts'.
My last jibarito from Borinquen.
My last ceasar salad from Noodles.
My last ranch chicken.
Food that I very likely will not have until my return six long months from now.
The result: feeling overly full.
One of the joys of being me is my lovely habit of psychosomatic problems.
I am nervous and excited about my trip.
I am waking up earlier and falling asleep later (mostly because I can't turn my brain off).
I am in a constant mode of excitement which has lead to me being an anxious ball of energy. And when everything seems to be causing me trouble, the anxiety builds:
My laptop has failed (in the most literal way where it is now completely empty of all the songs/tv shows/movies I actually paid for on Itunes.) The energy converter I ordered still has not arrived in the mail. My suitcase might be too big and/or heavy. I don't understand my class schedule. And on and on and on.
All of this tension manifests itself as a feeling of tight nausea in my throat.
It's all so unimportant and ridiculous.
In the end, I will have a suitcase, I will have clothes to wear, I'll be fine,
I'll get to England in one piece.
It's the unknown.
Everything ahead of me is still up in the air (and over the ocean).
I don't really like the unknown.
But if there's anything I've learned about myself over the past 5 years (moving from suburbs to city, house to house, city to university) I've learned that I always land on my feet.
And I hope that when I'm miles in the air tomorrow, instead of feeling claustrophobic and panicking about the future,
I hope I take a moment to remember that this is not a frivolous trip. I did not randomly decide to study abroad in England. It's something I've literally dreamed about since child hood.
Rather than seeing it as being alone in a new country,
I'll try to see it as fulfilling my childhood dreams.
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